Pain Anyone?
by Cloud Leonheart
Summary: Spiky hair, good looks and a nice house just don't mix well, as Cloud finds out the hard way... AU, Possible OOC, Crossovers etc. ...Two years since Chapter 6, I finally wrote No. 7! Irony is, this chap takes place two years after Advent Children. R&R!
1. Enter the Spikyhead!

_Author Note: I don't own FF6 FF7, FF8 or, FF10, I DO own the character 'XIII' though... well not entirely, but you get the idea!_

**Chapter 1: A Spikyhead enters...**

_Nice day, nice wife... well okay, scratch the wife part..._ Our... er... 'hero' woke up from his sunbathing nap, even though it was the middle of December... "Damn, I need to get out more..." Throwing his black leather jacket with the furry edges over himself, his trademark blonde spikes everywhere, as usual, and with blue eyes that could rival the ocean, Cloud went back into his Costa Del Sol villa, a beautiful place worth three hundred thousand gil... Of course, Cloud being a tightwad had (surprisingly) sold one of the Mastered All materia he had...

Life wasn't so bad for Cloud, he had a nice house, a nice car, his own custom sword, a wardrobe full of clothes that would make any red-blooded woman stop and stare, his favourites being the black leather jacket with furry edges, a pair of slightly baggy black jeans and a white shirt which he wore underneath the jacket, and to top it all off, he always remembered to flatten his hair slightly... _So the fangirls don't recognise me so easily..._ Being as cute as he was, Cloud had many a problem with rabid fangirls... First his old purple outfit, then his last set of clothes, similar to the purple ones except that they were black... _Let's hope Yuffie and Rikku haven't increased their fangirl club..._

Unfortunately for our spiky-headed hero, the fangirl club he hated was right outside his door, and in larger numbers, "Aww crap..." Some of the fangirls were holding signs like: "I want your babies Cloud!" and "Can I be your crazed slave?" Others were holding up autograph books, and off in the distance, two thieves were eyeing him up... "Shall we empty him of his goods?" The blonde thief nodded, "Good idea Yuffie! Then we can go buy sugaaaaarrr! Whee!"

Cloud shoved his way through the fangirls... When he got out of the crowd, he was met by a black-haired girl wearing a slightly revealing outfit... Her mouth dropped, "Squall?" Cloud blinked, _Who...? Oh yeah, that prick who ended up merging with me..._ "Err, sorry, but he's...kinda...sorta...dead..." Another thing that didn't help our spiky-headed hero was when the girl booted him in the stomach hard enough to knock anyone out... _Damn... Let's hope XIII doesn't ge... uh-oh..._


	2. Oh the humanity!

_Author note: I don't own FF6, FF7, FF8, FF10 or the Armored Core series (much as I wish I do to all of them). I DO however, own the XIII concept, which shall be explained in 3 chapters -evil smirk-_

**Chappie 2: Oh the humanity!**

Our spiky-headed hero woke up in a hospital... As he got up, he found, much to his unsurprise (And plenty of fangirl gasps) that he had lost some of his trademark spikeys and had shrunk a few inches, "What...? NOOOOOO!" The fangirls all ran off crying, some of them converting to the more infamous cause of (GASP!) AURONISM!

When Cloud found out about this... let's just say he was pissed off... and when he gets there, he gets there... Grabbing his gunblade/sword combo from his house, the Spiky-headed hero went out to see Auron... _Prick's gonna dieeeee..._ Upon reaching Auron's place... the Spikehead's jaw dropped_, AURON lives HERE?_ Kicking the door in, he went upstairs and found Auron being caressed by fangirls... And much to the spikehead's surprise, Rikku and Yuffie were there too... "SUGAR FROM THE SPIKYHEAD!" Rikku went beserk when Cloud threw her a bag of sugar, throwing Auron out the window and laying the glomp-down on Cloud, "SUGARRRR!" She got up and started running in circles whilst the other fangirls (minus Yuffie) mourned for the death of their bishie...

Yuffie helped her spiky-haired, prone-to-crossdressing bishie up and laid the glomp-down on him too, "Ow... Yuffie, I can't feel my leg!" Yuffie got up, leaving the Spikehead to try to get up himself... He collapsed in pain, "Nope, no luck..." Yuffie remembered something about there being a freak mutation in Cloud's body which would lead to a Cloudette being in the room... "No Yuffie, don't you tr-OOF!" The Spikehead keeled over in pain, _Don't...trigger...now...XIII..._ Unfortunately, the trigger in question did fire off... "Now look what you did Yuffie! This could easily end up Shoujo-ai!" Yuffie cringed slightly, "Good point you crossdressing, spiky-headed JERK!" Cloud(ia?) recoiled and landed on the floor... "Ow..."


	3. The WHAT Complex?

_Author Note: Sorry about the short chapters, but I'm writing these before I go to school... once weekends and holidays come, expect longer adventures for our spiky-headed vic- errr... hero! Without further ado... Chapter 3! The XIII Complex is explained! GASP! Also, I don't own FF6, FF7, FF8 or FF10, Neither do I own the 'Cloudia' name... Yuffie Leonheart does, the shame, the shame (sigh) But I do own the XIII Complex (looks about shiftily)_

**Chapter 3: The... WHAT complex?**

When we last left off, our unfortunate spiky-headed hero had become (much to the surprise of the fangirls) Cloudia Leonheart! "NOOOO! Shoujo-ai between the spiky-head and the thief!" After that, some of the fangirls jumped out after Auron, who still lived and had a great feast on fangirl hair. Yuffie however, was crying her eyes out, "I'm not a thief... PLUS I'm part of a friggin' SHOUJO-AI NOW!" Our spiky-haired hero(ine?) went over to comfort the thief, "I'M NOT A THIEF YOU IDIOTIC NARRATOR!" Fine, fine, Materia hunter, happy now? "Yes, much better!"

The Spikyhead is now in a bit of a situation... "Yuffie... I know you're upset about this, but I can tell you why I'm like this now..." Yuffie glared at the Spikehead, "Like, how?" Taking a deep breath, Spikyhead told his(her?) girlfriend this: "I'm the last surviving test subject from Project XIII!" Yuffie just twitched, "The... WHAT project?" Cloud(ia?) sighed, it was gonna be a long day...

Outside, Rikku was happily eating away at Auron's sugar stash, "SUGARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" As Auron got up, he found himself being trampled to death by sugar eaters, "Ow..." He died of an exploded spleen... The sugar eaters and anti-Aurokku fangirls squealed with delight, the Sugar Eaters squealed: "SUGARRRRR!" And the anti-Aurokku fangirls squealed: "DEATHTOAURONNNNNN!"

Cloud(ia?) was explaining to Yuffie what the XIII Complex actually is... "You see, after the incident with Sephiroth, I was taken to the underground labs of some unknown corperation... They had a bit of a mess around with my brain, and as a result, if certain conditions are met, I COULD change gender... I've yet to control it too..." Yuffie just looked lost... "Wait, wha?" Spikehead (who now has long flat blonde hair... GASP!) sighed, "Okay, say... Someone belts me in the stomach one like one of the fangirls did last chapter... I think... At the time, there would've been a major hormornal reaction which changes my gender... get it now?" Yuffie nodded, and Cloud managed to contain his rage, using it to actually REVERSE the change!

_Author EndNote: Cameos start next chapter... as do the FF6 characters hehhehehehehehehheheh (rolls on ground giggling) so if you think you're up to being mauled by someone/something, let me know... and in you go XP_


	4. There's more Final Fantasies?

_Author Note/Disclaimer: Mwahaha... I don't own FF6, FF7, FF8 or FF10, neither do I own the Cloudia name (ashamedly, Yuffie Leonheart does --) But, I own the XIII Complex! (That's one up on me... now if only I can grab the rest...) Without further ado..._

**Chapter 4: There's another Final Fantasy?**

Cloud eventually went back to his usual spiky-haired self, but only after kicking a certain moogle around for a few minutes, "Feelin' better yet Cloudy?" Yuffie looked at Cloud, her eyes a shining ray of cuteness... Cloud just cringed,_ Blech... cute eyes!_ He also cringed due to the fact that he hated the name 'Cloudy'...

Outside, Cid and four newcomers were trying to cross a road... One of them was watching the cars go by and didn't notice Cid stopping... he was promptly flung 40 metres into the air... The blonde-haired girl amongst them spoke for the first time since they had met Cid, "Edgar ran in front of the car... He's a little tired, no?" The two guys who were still concious were laughing, "You're funny Celes, you know that?" The other guy, a brown-haired person who looked somewhat like a thief nudged the other guy, "Shut up Sabin, he was your brother you know!" Sabin booted the thief in the face, "Shut up Locke, you thief..." Locke stabbed Sabin with a knife, "THE TERM IS TREASURE HUNTER!"

Back with Rikku, she was gorging herself on sugar when... "GASP! A flying person... SUGAR COMES FIRST! WHEEEEE!" The 'flying person' was the unfortunate Edgar who got 'tired' earlier that day... "Little... help here?" Rikku took absolutely no notice and kept gorging away...

Celes shook her head at the two guys next to her, Sabin had a knife in his spleen, and Locke had a nasty cut on his head, "You two are stupid..." Cid grabbed the trio and took them across the road pretty swiftly... Afterwards though, his chain smoking got to him as well as the car exhausts... he died of a heart attack within three seconds...

Cloud was ever-so-close to diving out of the window into the fangirl crowd outside, but Yuffie wouldn't let him... but of course, Cloud being Cloud, he dived out the window... and landed on Edgar, crushing him... the Edles fangirls died of heart attacks...

Celes poked Cid with a mooglestick, "Nothing..." All of a sudden, Locke became a giant moogle, "WHAT THE...?"

_Note2: MWAHAHAA... the plot thickens, as does my brain and the amount of randomness in here -Shifty Looks-_


	5. Who's in the Sugar?

_Author Note/Disclaimer: I hate them, you hate them, everybody except Square-Enix hates them... anyways, I don't own FF6, FF7, FF8 or FF10, much as I wish I did..._

**Chapter 5: Who's in the sugar?**

Yuffie looked out at the scene below her, "Rikku's still eating sugar, someone's been crushed by my boyfriend and there's LOTS of dead fangirls... What a day!" Cloud pried himself out of the sugar, fortunately, Edgar had survived... Poor Cloud didn't realise that he had been smashed in the stomach until twenty minutes later... when he realised that Yuffie was trying to force a dress on him, "WHOA! Nice try! Wait... Aww crap..." That very day, three hundred Cloffie fangirls died of heart attacks... Many of their last words being: "More shoujo-ai! GASP!"

Celes poked the giant moogle that was once Locke... "Locke, care to explain?" Locke strangely... "Kupo, I dunno, but I have a sudden urge to say kupo, kupo!" Sabin got up from his earlier stabbing, "Shouldn't we be looking... for my brother?" Silence... "Well wherever he is, I'll go look for him eh?" More silence... "I'll take that as a yes..."

Hours later, Cloud found himself against a wall, hungry, normal and being pounded the crap out of... "Guys! Would you really pick on some gender-confused idiot?" Sabin and Edgar looked at each other, "You're gender-confused?" Cloud nodded, "Yeah, just whack me right in the stomach..." Sabin did as the spiky-haired idiot had told him, "Ow..." Cloud got back up, the XIII Complex having kicked in... "See?" Sabin fainted, and Edgar had a nasty nosebleed, "So...Hot...Must...Flirt..." He died of an exploded spleen after being booted in the side...

"Edgar? Sabin?" Another blonde was looking around, feeling lonely, "Locke...?" She found Edgar's corpse and the injured Sabin, "Oh god..." She used Life to bring Edgar back and used a Hi-Potion on Sabin... "Bastard's gonna die..." Edgar got up and dusted himself off, "Cloud Strife, that's the name of the bastard who did this to us!"

_I think Cloud is slightly screwed... sorry for the short chapter, I should have another ready by tonight though! _D


	6. Is That Cid?

_Author note: ARGH! Curse the infernal dying compyness... Anyways, I don't own any FF characters, but the whole idea with Cid in this chapter... well that's kinda Yuffie Leonheart's fault... -is slowly developing obsession with Miss Cloud- NOOOOO!_

**Chapter 6: Is that Cid?**

Meanwhile, after the revival of Edgar and the Hi-Potioning of his brother Sabin, some random person used Life 2 on Cid, then Life 3 in case he had another heart attack. "Gah, I'm gonna get that punk Cloud for making me smoke so much this morning!" Grabbing the Venus Gospel, a very pissed-off Cid ran towards the Spikehead in question's villa...

Shortly before Cid got to his villa, Cloud had gone out materia shopping... Yuffie being Yuffie, she tagged along, in order to ste--"I DON'T STEAL MATERIA I BORROW IT!" Fine, fine, borrow it... without returning it... "Better..."

Cid, whilst at Cloud's villa, brought out something a little... 'heavier' than his usual cigars. "Been a good while since I smoked some green..." Little did he know that a certain red-haired person wearing red armour was eyeing up his spear... "Shiiinyyyyy..." Whilst Cid was off on a 'fridge raid', the red person stole his spear and made off with his wallet... Cid's yell of rage could be heard for miles.

Cloud heard Cid's scream and wondered what the middle-aged pilot was up to... "He better hadn't be stealing my beer!" Dropping the Ultima materia, Cloud ran towards his three hundred thousand gil villa in order to keep a certain Cid in check.

Upon returning to his villa, Cloud screamed, "My eyes! THEY BURN!" What had he stumbled across? Cid wearing a miniskirt...

_Note 2: Poor Cloud... I wonder what's going to happen when Yuffie and Rikku see the awful thing Cloud did... hehehe! Also, reviewer spotlights SHOULD start next chapter :P_


	7. What Happened Before Chapter One

**Pain Anyone? Chapter 7: What Happened Before Chapter 1 (basically, the prequel to Chapter 1)**

_Disclaimer put simply: I don't own anything other than any Original Characters that stumble into this, and even then, not 100 guaranteed that even they're even mine. Sorry for the change in style, but what better way to start writing again than to use a more grammatically correct style? Anyway, this chapter is on a more serious tone (but still slightly funny), and explains the 'XIII' condition that Cloud suffers from in the main fic. Best way to remember this is that this chapter starts about two years after Advent Children (awesome movie by the way). Also remember that Cloud is single in this chapter, and that not everything is scientifically true. Particularly the antibiotic/condition names._

Cloud got out of bed, his purple pyjamas attempting to absail (fall down). He looked in the mirror, trying not to fall asleep, then helped himself to some breakfast ("good old toast", as he would say), hungover and half-asleep.

"There's nothing I hate more than having to get up for work the day after my birthday... Especially if that birthday means I have a hangover." Having finished his breakfast, Cloud walked into the bathroom (especially the door, several times), and cleaned himself up, his eyes made even brighter-looking thanks to the fact that he had barely slept, thus having black rings around his eyes. He sighed, and got changed into his work uniform, a black suit.

Two hours later, he was at his newest job. He was the Director of Quality Assurance at the newly formed HinFin Inc, a corporation specialising in chemical, biological, and magical weaponry located just outside of Rocket Town, Cloud's new hometown. When he got there, he noticed there was an email on the computer he used. Curious, he opened it, and was surprised at the contents of it...

_Hey Strife,_

_Just wanted to say thanks to you for volunteering for today's experiment... Of course, if something goes badly wrong, we're not to blame, capiche? And don't come in drunk this time... Remember what happened in the 'X-32' experiment? - Jarret._

"Eh...? I volunteered for an experiment?" Cloud mumbled to himself. He remembered 'X-32', when he was very lucky to have not spontaneously combusted (burst into flames to put it simply) when he attempted to use an all-weather laser rifle whilst paraletic (drunk to be simple). Whilst wondering what today's experiment was, Cloud noticed his newest crush walk past. Her name was Jennifer. Jennifer Gripen. She was almost identical to Aeris, except she was slightly thinner. She must've known that he was looking, as she turned around, her brown eyes meeting his blue ones.

"When will you learn Cloud..." He sighed slightly depressedly, and listened to her some more. "Although, I'll teach you, if you meet me in the car park at closing time. Sound good?" She winked, and he nodded, grinning as she left.

_Score!_ he thought to himself, grinning even when a man with green hair and a white coat approached him.

"Oh, hey David." David nodded in response, and motioned to the research labs.

"The experiment's about to start. We need you in the testing labs. Follow me please." Cloud stood up and followed him, as asked.

The research and testing labs were HinFin Inc.'s biggest asset. Each of them were the size of the former Shinra HQ in the now-derelict Midgar. Cloud always admired the sheer size of the labs, but this time he got a little too close... He tripped over his own feet and fell face-first onto the floor.

"Damnit Cloud..." David helped him back up, then slapped him back to his senses.

"Thanks Dave. Was gonna fall asleep on the floor." David laughed quietly, shook his head and lead Cloud through to Lab 13.

There weren't 13 labs in the facility, but there were more than 20 in the whole of the world, and Lab 13 was, you guessed it, the thirteenth lab they built. There was a life support tank, a vat filled with strange green goo, and several spectator seats inside it. Cloud looked around and felt nervous.

"You didn't tell me that there was an audience." David looked at Cloud as if he'd just come from Mars.

"Uh... I did... Oh hell, it was your birthday yesterday, wasn't it?" Cloud nodded, and David cursed under his breath. "That explains why you didn't remember... Next time, don't get that drunk. Oh well, strip off... leave your underwear on." Cloud sighed, this was going to be a long day...

Twenty minutes later, Cloud was in little more than his underwear (purple, for the nitpickers), and was climbing into the Life Support capsule. Several people (including Jennifer, who was whistling at him) had started gathering to watch the corporation's greatest achievement, the perfection of the human immune system. David addressed the spectators.

"Ladies and Gentlemen... Whoops, forgot to mention the Gentleladies and the Laddies, you know who you are. You are here today to witness the greatest achievement of our scientists. We have discovered what causes the limitations of the human immune system." People started whispering amongst themselves, and were shocked when David revealed the truth. "The cause... is water! It dilutes the immune system's main defence, that of a very powerful antibiotic we have named Homosapicillin. By eliminating the body's need for water, Homosapicillin is allowed to multiply to levels that prevent 99 of all immune system breaches. The only one we haven't managed to root out is a highly rare condition known as _Hypoestrogenesis_, where the body produces huge amounts of oestrogen as a result of blunt trauma or an allergic reaction, not that the latter applies, but this occurs in roughly one in two billion people. Our Director of Quality Assurance has volunteered to undergo the final procedure, so please, everyone, give Cloud Strife a round of applause for guts." A huge outburst of applause, and then the capsule slowly lowered into the vat.

Thirty minutes later, a loud beeping noise began to emit, and David looked worried. He quickly looked at Cloud's life signs, and noticed that they were at a low level.

"No need to panic people... it's just a small complication." The beeping noise intensified, and Jennifer, panicking, dived into the vat after Cloud, obviously in an attempt to help push the life support canister up, but the second she hit the goo, she was vapourised. David, who had a crush on her as well, was tempted to jump in as well, but decided there was a better course of action. That was to express his sorrow through screaming:

"JENNIFER!" The life support canister finally broke above the goo, the beeping noise having stopped. "What the... Vitals are fine... Everything's fine. She saved him..." He turned to face the audience again. "Despite the loss of Miss Gripen, I am proud to reveal, the first person to have survived the XIII Immunity Booster Treatment... Cloud Strife!" The pod opened, and a figure fell onto the floor, but it wasn't Cloud's figure. It was a girl, who looked just like Cloud. David looked baffled, although one of his lab assistants came to the rescue, much to his appreciation.

"Of course, Doctor Jarret did say SURVIVE. He didn't mention anything about being 'intact'." David nodded in agreement, thankful that his lab assistant was quick to salvage the situation. He was in too depressed a state to close the demonstration, so his assistant closed it for him. Cloud didn't wake up until the next day.

Cloud woke up, back in his own bed, and looked at the clock, his phone, the tv clock... Everything had gone forward a day.

_Aw man... I feel weird._ He decided to skip breakfast, getting ready for work, and went straight to reading his mail. One in particular stood out, because it was straight from David:

_Hey Cloud._

_Hate to have to tell you this, but Jennifer died yesterday. You went into cardiac arrest whilst the life support capsule was coming up, and she tried to save you, but it turns out that the water-replacement substance used in the experiment is highly corrosive to water-based material, which explains why you survived, and she didn't, because you'd 'dried out' by the time you'd arrested. Anyway, officially, I'm to blame, but I'm keeping my job because you survived. Anyway, thought I'd tell you this before you find out for yourself: You had a severe attack of Hypoestrogenesis... So much so that... well, let's not go there. If you look in the mirror and discover that you wanna screw yourself... You need help. It's also possible that you'll be a little more outgoing (not that that's a bad thing, no offence). Anyway, look forward to seeing you at work sometime (the boss said you could have indefinite leave. He's also changed your hours to "Your - time", you lucky bastard.) Aw crap, gotta finish writing, it's nearly Posting Time. Later! - Jarret_

Cloud looked confused, placed the letter down, and went to sort himself out, surprised when he looked in the mirror. Blonde, waist-length hair, a 'curvy' figure, and a feminine face greeted him.

"What the hell?" Even his voice had lost it's usual manly edge. Getting desperate, he stripped and attempted to find a single manly element to his appearence, of which there was no trace, bar his eyes. Needless to say, he freaked, quickly got his pyjamas back on, and started writing two letters. One to David, as a reply (which isn't of importance), and one to his boss, Bahd Cutt:

_Mr. Bahd Cutt,_

_It is with the greatest regret that I write to announce my intention to resign from my post as Director of Quality Assurance for HinFinn Incorporated. I wish to take my talents elsewhere, as the company only has bad memories for me now. If you require me to help HinFinn Incorporated in the future, I will volunteer if I feel that it is worthwhile for me. Yours Faithfully, Cloud Strife._

Cloud then enveloped the two letters, got changed (into his normal clothes, after 'fixing' his hair into it's normal spiky state), and headed for his soon to be former workplace. Entering the building, he bumped into David, who realised what was going to happen.

"Hey... Oh, I see why you're here. Too bad you're leaving then." Cloud smiled, it had been a while since someone had shown him some sympathy. He handed David the letter intended for him, and nodded.

"Here, I think you deserve this. It's a ticket to the rebuilt Mideel. I was gonna go, but seeing you busting your ass off to finish the XIII Project makes me think you deserve it way more." David looked stunned as Cloud went to Bahd Cutt's office and handed his resignation letter in. Cutt bore more than a slight resemblence to Cloud's normal self, yet he was unique, with red, unspiked hair, and green eyes. He looked at Cloud solemnly, and sighed.

"It's a shame to lose you Strife. As unfortunate as yesterday's accident was, I still think you have a future with this company." Cloud shook his head in disagreement.

"I wish I could stay, but I just want to expand my horizons." Cutt nodded understandably, as if he knew what Cloud had been trying to say. Standing up, Cutt offered Cloud a handshake, and there was a sign of 'What a shame...' on his face.

"It's been great working with you Cloud. We're gonna miss you."

"Yeah... I'm gonna miss this place too." Cloud turned around and left HinFinn Inc.'s Rocket Town branch, and went home. Packing all of his belongings, and attaching them to a trailer attached to his bike, he then decided to move to his villa in the Costa Del Sol, leaving Yuffie a message on her answerphone:

_"Hey Yuffie. I quit my job, and I'm heading for Costa Del Sol. I need a thi-- sorry, Materia hunter-stroke-ninja to come live with me. You up for it? Ring soon, yeah? Spikes out."_

Within weeks, Cloud had changed from a less-than-enthusiastic, single man, to a cheery, but caring, 'taken' person-of-undefined-gender. Of course, this didn't go unnoticed by Yuffie, as within minutes of her arrival, she nearly passed out of shock, having spotted Cloud cleaning up after himself, with this reaction:

"What in Leviathan?!?! Spikes, are you okay? You never, ever, EVER, **EVER** clean up after yourself!" To which Cloud quite nonchalantly nodded, and explained what went wrong with the XIII Project... Needless to say, Yuffie forgot about it in a few days, only remembering whenever it 'triggered' (blunt trauma, or a hit, to the stomach) in Cloud.

_Whoa, long chapter. Well, R&R. I do read them!_


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